Leaders ADAPT teaching package

Teaching hard conversations: a free session plan for managers and new leaders

A ready to run class or workshop on giving direct feedback, free under CC BY 4.0. Participants take a four minute test, watch the same feedback delivered badly and then well, measure their own Directness Gap in a scored role play, and walk out with the conversation they have been avoiding prepared on one page.

20, 45 or 90 minutesFree test includedLive demo scriptDirectness Gap exercisePrintable scenario cardsCC BY 4.0

Who this is for

Instructors of management, organizational behavior and MBA managing people courses who teach feedback and want an exercise that produces a visible result in ten minutes. Corporate L&D leads running new manager programs or feedback culture work. Team leaders who want their own managers to stop sitting on conversations. It also works for mixed rooms: feedback runs down, sideways and up, and the scenario cards include a peer to peer card and an upward card for people without direct reports.

What participants leave with

Their own Directness Gap: how direct they thought they were, against how direct the person receiving it heard them, from a scored practice round.
One real conversation they have been avoiding, prepared on an SBED sheet, with a Demand line short enough to say in one breath.
A warm opener and a warm close written down, and a date in the next seven days to hold the conversation, rehearsed once out loud first.

Pre-work (optional, 10 minutes)

Write down the one conversation you have been putting off. Initials only, never a full name. Note when you first noticed the issue, and what you have actually said about it so far, word for word as best you remember. Do not prepare anything else. The session uses what you wrote.

Words That Matter: direct and kind at the same time

Most people do not lack the desire to be direct. They lack the permission, and a structure. Treat this session as both. The goal is not to become harsh. It is to be honest early and often, so the big conversations become rare.

Nice is not kind: Nice avoids discomfort. Kind tells the truth. Softening a message until it disappears is not kindness, it is avoidance wearing a polite mask. Avoidance has a cost: high performers pick up the slack and burn out, small issues grow into patterns, and the team loses trust in the leader, not in the person underperforming. Five minute conversations end up as HR escalations. If leaders avoid addressing problems, the team learns that standards are optional.
SBED, with a Demand you cannot skip: S, Situation: when and where, specific. Never "you always". B, Behavior: what you observed, facts and not your reading of their intent. E, Experience: the impact on you, the team or the work. This is where they understand why it matters. D, Demands: what needs to change going forward, said plainly. Skip the D and you set the scene, describe the behavior, explain the impact and leave without saying what you need. That is not feedback. That is venting. Worked example: "In Tuesday's planning meeting, you presented the budget without the numbers from the regional teams. We spent twenty minutes guessing, and the decision moved to next week. From now on, the regional numbers go in the deck before it is sent out."
The Directness Gap: After a practice round, the person giving feedback scores how direct they were, 0 to 10. Then the person receiving it scores how direct it felt. The giver usually scores higher, because the receiver heard the hedging and the softening the giver did not notice. The gap is the lesson: the message you think you sent is not the message that arrived, which is why vague feedback does not change behavior.
Warm but firm: Three parts. Warm open: say why you are having the conversation, in terms of their success. "I want you to do well here, and that is why I am going to be straight with you about something." Firm middle: the SBED, with no maybe, no perhaps and no "but". Warm close: ask what would help them make the change. This is not a technique for handling people. If you did not care how they grow, you would not bother having the conversation.
The 24 hour rule: Give feedback within a day of the event. Leave it for weeks and the moment has gone: the context is lost and the person cannot connect your words to anything concrete. Do not save it for a one on one that is days away. The opener can be this short: "Can I borrow you for five minutes? It is about this morning." Rehearse it once out loud first, so the real conversation is not the first time you have said the words.
Praise stands alone, and thank you is the whole answer: Positive feedback is a full sentence: "Great job. Here is why." Then stop. Attach a "but" and the praise is gone: they stop hearing it and start waiting for the real point. SBED works for praise too, and "keep doing that" is still a Demand. When you receive feedback, the right response is "thank you". Not a defense, not an explanation, or people stop giving you any.
The bar conversation, for a pattern: When the same issue has come up more than once, SBED on a single event is not enough. Andreas uses a short script with no cushioning: the bar is here, you are here, there is a gap, we close it now, and here is what I need from you, one, two, three. It is not a formal warning. It is a clear statement of the standard with specific asks, followed by a check on visible progress within about a month.

SBED builds on the Situation, Behavior, Impact (SBI) feedback model from the Center for Creative Leadership. The Demands step, the Directness Gap, the bar conversation and the rest of this session are Andreas Pettersson's own.

Want the whole system? The 5-Minute Leader

This page teaches the core of a direct, kind conversation: SBED, warm but firm, and practice that shows people how direct they really are. The complete accountability protocol, with the scripts for the conversations leaders avoid most, is in The 5-Minute Leader.

Word for word scripts for three conversations most leaders put off: the Accountability Dodger, the Unprepared and the Chronic Complainer
What to say when the other person pushes back, deflects or gets emotional, without retreating from the ask
Six harder conversations for leaders of leaders, including the Politician, the Silo Builder and the Meeting Saboteur
The Accountability Ladder and the after-action review, for teams that hold each other to the standard
The Elite Leader Matrix bonus: adjust how direct you are to the person in front of you

Get the full 5-Minute Leader system

Session plans

Pick the length that fits your slot. Every version uses the same test, framework and worksheet.

20 minute version

Minutes	What happens
0 to 3	Ask for a show of hands: how many of you have delayed a tough conversation with someone in the last 30 days? Let the number land. It will be high. "There is no shame in this room. The goal is to stop hiding from it."
3 to 7	Everyone takes the free hard conversations test and notes the lowest of its four areas: Willingness, Directness, Timing or Follow-through.
7 to 11	Teach nice versus kind and SBED, with the D as Demands. Read Omar's three attempts from the case, then read the SBED version from the facilitator notes.
11 to 18	Pairs take one scenario card from worksheet Part E. Two minutes to prepare on Part B, three minutes to deliver, then both score the Directness Gap in Part D.
18 to 20	Ask two pairs for their numbers out loud. Close on the 24 hour rule and ask each person to write the date of their own conversation.

45 minute version

Minutes	What happens
0 to 4	Open with the cascade: hands up if you have replayed a conversation in your head this week, if you have avoided a conflict, if you regretted not saying something. Then the big one: who has delayed a tough conversation in the last 30 days? Let the number land.
4 to 8	Everyone takes the free hard conversations test. Show of hands on the lowest area. Do not ask for scores.
8 to 15	Teach nice versus kind, then SBED with the Demands step argued out loud: if you sat someone down to deliver feedback, is the outcome really "I hope they change"?
15 to 28	The live demo with a volunteer briefed in advance, using the Omar case. Round 1, three minutes: you deliver Omar's wishy-washy version on purpose. Round 2, five minutes: the same scenario as SBED with a warm open and close. Debrief, five minutes, three questions in this order: what was different, where did it get uncomfortable and why, which version would you rather receive?
28 to 38	Practice in pairs with scenario cards 1 to 4. Two minutes to prepare on Part B, three minutes to deliver, one minute to score Part D. Swap roles with a new card. Walk the room the whole time.
38 to 41	Directness Gap read out: two pairs say both numbers in front of the room. The mismatch, said by two people who just lived it, is where the lesson lands.
41 to 45	Warm but firm and the 24 hour rule. Each person fills in Part C for their own conversation and writes the date. Close: holding people to a standard says I believe you are capable of more.

90 minute version

Minutes	What happens
0 to 10	Open with the cascade of hand raises, then the 30 day question. Run a quick poll: does the word "feedback" feel negative or positive to you? Park the answer and tell the room you will come back to it.
10 to 15	Everyone takes the free hard conversations test. Show of hands on the lowest of the four areas.
15 to 25	Nice versus kind and the cost of avoidance. Read the Omar case aloud and ask who is paying for Omar's niceness.
25 to 35	Close the poll loop: praise is feedback too. Teach praise stands alone, thank you is the whole answer, then SBED with the Demands step.
35 to 55	The live demo on the Omar case, both rounds, then the debrief questions. If a second briefed volunteer is available, run an optional third round where they push back, deflect or go quiet, and you model staying on the structure.
55 to 75	Two practice rounds in pairs with Directness Gap scoring after each. Round one on cards 1 to 3. Round two on card 4 (peer to peer) or card 5 (upward). Read out gaps from three pairs, and ask whether anyone's gap closed in round two.
75 to 82	Small groups answer discussion questions 2, 4 and 5 on the Omar case.
82 to 90	Warm but firm, the 24 hour rule and rehearsing first. Teach the bar conversation for issues that keep coming back. Each person completes Parts A to C for their own conversation, names a date and a rehearsal partner. People without reports leave with the upward move: ask your manager "What am I doing well? Where can I improve?"

The free test participants take

Participants take the free hard conversations test on their own phone or laptop. It takes a few minutes. It asks for a name and email to send the full result, so tell participants that in advance. Results go only to the person who took it, so nobody has to share a score unless they choose to.

Link to give participants (paste it into your slides or learning platform):

https://www.leadersadapt.com/assessments/hard-conversations/?utm_source=teaching-package&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=teach-hard-conversations

The case: the new lead who has mentioned it three times

Fictional case, written for teaching. Names, companies and numbers are invented.

Omar was promoted to lead a support team of seven at a fictional 60 person software company. Jess, one of his former peers, is the best troubleshooter on the team. She also skips the handoff note when she passes a billing issue to the finance team, so finance calls customers without any context.

Over five weeks Omar has raised it three times. In a team meeting: "It would be great if we could all tighten up the handoffs a bit." In a chat message: "No worries, but maybe add a line or two when you get a chance?" In a one on one: "You're doing great, but some people have mentioned the notes."

Omar believes he has dealt with it. Asked how direct he has been, he would say 7 out of 10. Jess believes the notes are a nice to have, because nobody has told her otherwise. Last Thursday a finance analyst refunded a customer twice. Mia, the finance lead and Omar's peer, did not raise it with Omar. She messaged Omar's manager.

Omar's manager has asked him to sort it out this week. Omar is thinking about sending a process reminder to the whole team.

The handout

One sheet per participant. Parts A to C are for their own conversation and stay private. Part D is used in every practice round. Part E is cut into cards, one per pair. Download the Word version

Teaching packageTeaching hard conversations

Leaders ADAPT | CC BY 4.0leadersadapt.com/teach-hard-conversations/

Words That Matter: the hard conversation prep sheet

PART A. THE CONVERSATION I HAVE BEEN AVOIDING (initials only) Who: ______ First noticed: ____________ What I have said so far, word for word: ______________________________________________________________ Nice or kind so far? ________ Who is paying for the delay? ____________ PART B. SBED PREP (four prompts to fill in, not a script to read) S Situation. When and where? Specific, never "you always". ___________________________________________________________ B Behavior. What did I observe? Facts, not my reading of their intent. ___________________________________________________________ E Experience. What was the impact on me, the team or the work? ___________________________________________________________ D Demands. What needs to change going forward? One breath, no "maybe". ___________________________________________________________ Then ask: "Can you commit to that?" PART C. WARM BUT FIRM Warm open (why I want them to succeed): __________________________ Firm middle: my SBED from Part B. No maybe, no perhaps, no "but". Warm close: ask what would help them make the change. If this is a pattern, the bar conversation: The bar is: ____________ Where they are: ____________ What I need, one, two, three: _______________________________ Progress check on: __________ I will hold this conversation on: __________ Rehearsed with: __________ PART D. DIRECTNESS GAP (fill in after every practice round) Round 1 Card: ___ Giver: How direct was I? 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Receiver: How direct were they? 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Gap (giver minus receiver): ___ Receiver: the Demand I heard, word for word: ______________________ Receiver: the moment it went soft: _________________________________ Round 2 Card: ___ Giver: How direct was I? 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Receiver: How direct were they? 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Gap (giver minus receiver): ___ Receiver: the Demand I heard, word for word: ______________________ Receiver: the moment it went soft: _________________________________ PART E. SCENARIO CARDS (cut along the lines, one card per pair) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - CARD 1. THE MISSED DEADLINES. You are the manager. A team member's work is excellent when it arrives, but four of the last six deliverables were late. Two colleagues have re-planned their week around it. Address the pattern without crushing their confidence. Use SBED. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - CARD 2. THE RESISTANT VETERAN. You are the manager. Someone with more than ten years on the team still uses the old process you replaced two months ago, and newer people are copying them. Get them on board without dismissing their experience. Use SBED. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - CARD 3. THE MEETING DOMINATOR. You are the manager. A strong individual performer talks over colleagues in meetings and dismisses ideas that are not their own. Two people have stopped speaking up. Address the meeting behavior specifically, not their personality. Use SBED. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - CARD 4. THE SHARED LAUNCH. You are a team lead giving peer to peer feedback. You and a lead from another department co-own a product launch. Their team's input has been late twice and your team covered the gap both times. You have no authority over them. No power dynamic to lean on. Use SBED. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - CARD 5. THE MOVING PRIORITIES. You are giving feedback upward. Your manager changes your team's priorities in the weekly meeting without saying why. Twice this month finished work was dropped. Give your manager feedback. Use SBED. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE RULES I LEAVE WITH - Within a day of the event, not weeks later. Opener: "Can I borrow you for five minutes? It is about this morning." - Rehearse once out loud before the real one. - Praise stands alone: "Great job. Here is why." Full stop. - When I receive feedback, the whole answer is "thank you".

Teaching hard conversations: a session plan. Andreas Pettersson, Leaders ADAPT. Free to use under CC BY 4.0. https://www.leadersadapt.com/teach-hard-conversations/ The full system: 5minleader.leadersadapt.com/5ml

Discussion questions

Score each of Omar's three attempts from 0 to 10 for directness, as Jess heard them. Where does your number sit against the 7 Omar would give himself?
Which letter of SBED is missing from each of Omar's three attempts?
Is Omar being nice or kind? Name everyone who is paying for it.
Mia went to Omar's manager instead of Omar. Write the peer to peer SBED Mia could have given Omar, and the one Omar now owes Mia.
Would a process reminder to the whole team fix this? What would it teach the other six people?
Suppose Jess skips the note again next month. Write Omar's bar conversation: the bar, where she is, and the three things he needs from her.
What is the Demand line for the conversation you are holding right now, in one breath?

Facilitator notes

Demo script on the Omar case. Round 1, play it badly on purpose: "Hey, got a sec? Nothing big. So, some people have mentioned the handoff notes... it would be nice if maybe you could add a bit more when you get a chance. But honestly, you're doing great, so no worries." Round 2, same scenario: "Jess, you're the best troubleshooter on this team and I want you to keep growing here, so I am going to be straight with you. I've hinted at this three times and never said it clearly, which is on me. Last Thursday the duplicate charge ticket went to finance with no handoff note. Finance called the customer without context and refunded them twice, and Mia's team spent Friday unwinding it. From today, every billing handoff gets a three line note before it leaves our queue. Can you commit to that? What would make it easy to do?"
Cast role play parts in advance, role by role, and brief the volunteer that round 1 is a designed failure, not theirs. Never draft someone from the front of the room. If nobody has agreed, run both rounds yourself, speaking to an empty chair, and ask the room to score you on the Directness Gap strip.
During practice, walk the room. Push a vague giver to be specific, point out a missing Demand, and name a good one out loud so the room hears it. If someone gets emotional, walk over quietly. The goal is empowerment, not exposure. Real cases stay on Parts A to C and stay private: practice runs on the cards, and nobody describes a colleague who could be identified.
Do not tell the room which way the Directness Gap usually goes before they score, or they will adjust their numbers. If a pair shows no gap, ask the receiver what made it land and write it on the flip chart.
If someone says round 2 was harder to watch, name the distinction: hard to watch is not the same as hard to receive. Most people would rather hear it straight than be left guessing where they stand. Feedback runs down, sideways and up, and the structure does not change with the direction; cards 4 and 5 exist so people without reports practice too.
If you run long, cut theory, never the demo or the practice round. Shorten nice versus kind to one sentence and go straight to SBED.

Use, adapt and cite

This package is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution 4.0. You may copy, print, adapt and share it in any course, workshop or internal training, including paid ones, as long as you credit the source with a link.

Citation

Pettersson, A. (2026). Teaching hard conversations: a session plan. Leaders ADAPT. https://www.leadersadapt.com/teach-hard-conversations/

Link for your course page or syllabus

<a href="https://www.leadersadapt.com/teach-hard-conversations/">Teaching hard conversations: a free session plan for managers and new leaders</a> by Andreas Pettersson, Leaders ADAPT (CC BY 4.0)

Using the package does not imply any endorsement of Leaders ADAPT by your institution, and none is claimed. Teaching with it? Tell us at andreas@leadersadapt.com and we will list your course on the teaching packages page.

Keep going after the session

Participants who want the full accountability protocol, and the delegation, one on one and rhythm protocols that make it land, can work through The 5-Minute Leader at their own pace.